I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
