In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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