so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
