not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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