The maid of honor just puked.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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