I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
