I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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