Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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