just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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