I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
