I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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