I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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