I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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