I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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