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In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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