Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
