I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We have started to decorate penises.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
