I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
