My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
