I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
