everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize