God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
