So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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