I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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