well I can't set my house on fire every night
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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