My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
