Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My ATM looks so different sober.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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