Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
