im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize