dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
