sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My vagina is officially offended.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize