I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
