I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
