His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
