yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
