I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
