We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
