his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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