Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
im six kinds of drunk right now
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
