mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
