last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
She's the barista slut.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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