i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
