Jerry, you need to find god
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
