Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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