nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
