So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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