this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
