brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
