Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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