so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
