The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
