i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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