who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
