If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
