I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
