Will you blow on my dice?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
