I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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