Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
