wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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