R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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