I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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