My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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