but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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