I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think I won the penis lottery.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
