i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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