Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
