Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
